However playing movies on my PC hasn’t really appealed to me all that much. For one thing, the monitor is small in comparison to the screen size of a television. But also, I believe my poor ass would go numb if I sat in a steno chair for two hours watching a movie.
But I decided to give this video streaming thing a try, so I commenced figuring out how to connect Nancy’s laptop computer to the TV. Allow me to explain just how EASY this is to do.
[Disclaimer – Warning: The following is not for the technically-challenged or persons with impetuous tendencies or who suffer unrelenting levels of impatience which could possibly be classified as borderline pathological.]First connect the S-Video cable from the S-Video port on the computer to the S-Video port on the TV. Hint: The brilliant computer engineers have designed the S-Video port to look exactly like a mouse port, so you only have a 50/50 chance plugging it into the right place.
Using a 1/8” Stereo-to-RCA adapter cable, connect the earphone/speaker output on the computer to the two RCA jacks on the TV. Hint: You are in luck here as there will be three, not two, RCA jacks on the TV, so you have better odds of beating those tricky computer engineers and getting the right connection this time than you did with the S-Video.
Boot your computer and turn on the TV. Using your TV's remote, find the “input channel” for the auxiliary input on the TV. Hint: It would be "Channel 1" if channel 1 existed... which it doesn't so THAT is your auxiliary input.
When your computer asks if you want to update the latest Microsoft patches, click “No”. Hint: If you click “yes”, go you might as well go get a beer and do something else cause you just committed yourself to an hour of rebooting your after every patch. Don't do that again!!
When your computer asks if you want to check for virus, better click “Yes” this time. Go have another, it's gonna be a while… again.
Now located the video you wish to display on your TV, like from your "play now" queue in NetFlix (or any video you can find, YouTube is cool).
Now the PC will ask if you want to update your Flash or Windows video program. Click answer: “NO, NO, GODDAM NO”. This is because some anal retentive software engineer has just developed yet another a new “improved” video codec so now nothing you want to watch that was created from the dawn of computing up until last week will EVER display on the updated video software. Trust me, they’re idiots.
Using your mouse and/or keyboard, redirect your monitor output to the S-Video port connected to the TV. Hint: How do you do this? I have no f*#king clue, but you can mess with your video settings clicking randomly until it either shows on the TV or all you see is blue on your PC’s monitor. If you screw this up, that’s YOUR problem!
Now figure out why the sound is NOT working. Try the following:
1. Set the volume slider on the video all the way up.
2. Set the volume setting for the PC all the way up.
3. Go into the volume setting Control Panel, determine if the output to the earphone/speaker port is muted.
4. Turn the volume knob up on the side of the PC.
5. Now turn the volume all the way up on the television.
6. Check that you haven’t plugged the 1/8” Stereo jack into the “microphone” jack instead. Hint: Oh yeah, I forgot to tell you... those two plugs look identical as well. (I'm telling ya... I didn’t design this crap.)
7. If the sound isn’t blasting now so loudly that your windows are breaking, give up - you are beyond hopeless at this point.
Assuming you now have your computer display showing on your TV; sit down and enjoy your video on the big screen. If the video stops, starts, hesitates and stutters, you either need to pay to upgrade your Internet connection to Terra-Mega-Gigabit Internet service or buy a more powerful PC; meaning one that was manufactured at least within the last two months.
Your TV remote with all the buttons on it; now all it is good for is changing the volume on the TV.
If advertisements pop up on the TV screen for cheap Viagra or offering to upgrade your Solitaire, you’re going to need to get your ass off the chair, go to the PC and kill those pop-ups.
Oh and finally, if you’ve actually made it this far and the video on your TV suddenly goes completely black: You probably forgot to plug the PC power cord into the wall – you just wasted all of your battery charge setting up the goddam thing up.
Next week: Programming your garage door opener to operate your toaster.