Friday, October 22, 2010

From Russia with Love

Love and marriage, love and marriage,
goes together like a
Лошадь и вагон. - Perry Como
I received a welcome deviation from the usual e-mails imploring my assistance in lubricating millions of dollars from bureaucratic Nigerian bankers; this one informing instead that there were lovely women in Russia eager to marry me. After researching what potentially heinous sort of malware awaited my libido-driven click, I felt confident enough to visit

There the site informed me that: Thousands of Russian women from Ukraine and Russia want to get married, create a family, and be happy. We offer russian [sic] dating service for men seeking beautiful russian women for dating and marriage.

What a surprise, it seems that only the most lovely among former Soviet Bloch unemployed models are seeking Western husbands. Apparently all the plane-Janeofskies have already paired-up with suitable Volga boatmen from the village. These poor girls are left to cast a wider net, it would seem.

Having previously already married two blonds in my lifetime, I decided to remain on familiar territory and dashed off a quick note to Anya (pictured above). Unfortunately I was informed that my message could not be delivered without first submitting my VISA... not the immigration kind, the plastic kind. Apparently Prime Minister Putin is sensitive to potentially imbalancing his country's trade relations with the United States. I certainly can't blame Pootie-Poot for not wanting to let go their number one export without ensuring sufficient Rubles in return.

But somehow my furtive attempts at communicating with Anya managed to skirt the People's Ministry of Communication attempt at censorship and I received a delightful e-mail from Anya. Her hope was that the requirement to secure American dollars (widely acceptable in Russia) could be temporarily forestalled until we got to know one another better.

I told her that her photo was stunning and I would greatly like to see more of her. Unfortunately, she explained, all scanners in the Ukraine are "pay scanners" requiring a credit card number in order to operate. Obviously I would need to increase my efforts in appealing to her good graces and Eastern European charms if I were to successfully woo additional information and likenesses from her.

Knowing Ukraine to be a poor country I tried appealing to her on a simlar level; I explained that my credit was exhausted and that, now homeless, I was reduced to e-mailing her from the convenience of the free computers in the public library. I explained that, though already married, I was a member of an off-shoot religions sect in Utah which not only allows, but encourages, the taking of multiple wives. But due to my flagging financial situation, multiple criminal convictions and dwindling amounts of both teeth and hair, American women seemed a bit to "haughty" to yield to my many charms.

My appeal apparently wormed its way into her heart as Anya finally relented and e-mailed another picture my hopeful new Russian bride:


Gorilla Bananas said...

Good heavens, you mean the whole things was just a scam to steal your money?! If so, wasting their time was a valuable public service.

Before anyone gets disillusioned, they should read this article about a Russian charm school for women genuinely looking for rich husbands. Note that they are taught how to make eating a banana look sexy.

MartyrMom said...

GB did you go on to the site that Mr. Skeptic showed. If you went on through to the pics, it tells you how these women are trained.

AWESOME!Wonder why I only get the guys telling me their king needs a place to store millions???Aren't there any Russian Guys??

PeterDeMan said...

My wife has been known to give me the same gesture. She always assures me it's a gesture demonstrating her continued commitment to me.

Alpha Za said...

haha, this is a really entertaining post. You've outdone yourself Robert!

Keep it up!

The Mother said...

Yeah, but can she cook?

DJan said...

I do so enjoy your take on life and your ability to make me smile with unmitigated glee. You are creating levity in a world that needs every bit. She's cute in her babushka.

Marylinn Kelly said...

Laughing out loud. What a trial it must be, there in the Ukraine, with all those pay scanners and what-not. I'm sure she'd find Utah welcoming.

Nance said...

You wag! You had a ball with that, especially the self-description. You forgot to mention your wooden leg and your on-going struggle with obesity. Looks like you bagged yourself a real stervologiya!

Anonymous said...

You so often have a very serious subject for your blog. As I am currently reading the second Stieg Larsson book, I thought this post might be about the sex trade, as the title was used in the book.
But no, you gave me a much needed laugh on a Friday afternoon.

She made a mistake in passing up your offer.

Thank you.

Have a great weekend!

Robert the Skeptic said...

Bananas Almost always the first to comment on my posts - thank you! I do not believe that women need to be taught how to look sexy while eating a banana. Some skills are undoubtedly endemic.

MartyrMom Oh I am sure there are any number of Russian men seeking Western brides. All their women are fleeing the country so they need to find brides somewhere!

Peter Well, the gesture is one way you can be assured she is paying attention.

Robert the Skeptic said...

Alpha Happy you found it entertaining... will hold judgment myself until my wife has read the post.

Dr. Mom Borscht skills I believe are taught to Russian woman in early skills. But on either ends of the beauty spectrum, would anyone really care?

Djan I am sure there really are women in Russia who would love to meet an American man and get married... my guess is that after 5 years of marriage, their Home Land would start looking a lot better to them.

Robert the Skeptic said...

Marylinn Utah is a very friendly state, with all those clean shaven men and their white shirts and black ties. One would hope they will have long abandoned their Russian Orthodox teachings about birth control, though.

Nance Shhhh, she need not know about the wooden leg until the honeymoon. However, I would have you know that I am actually quite svelte.

BackRow I try to mix it up a bit; some serious topics others humorous... I often miss the mark on either target. But on the other hand, nobody is paying me to do this, so !!!

GutsyWriter said...

Loved it and had to share with my husband. I asked him if he had received a note from Anya. He said, "No," but he did get one from her mother with the finger.

Madame DeFarge said...

Ah, but where are the handsome Russian boys looking for wives? Here am I, a early 40 something, solvent (and married, but let's overlook that) and keen to splash cash. Where are the brothers of these ladies?

Artist and Geek said...

BOL (burst out laughing)

This is one of those posts where I am wondering about the meaning of inappropriate laughter.

Well done.

crnelius said...

Wow. That made me laugh out loud! Great story! Bravo!

Robert the Skeptic said...

Gutsy I believe they are one and the same, my dear.

Madame Not sure but it wouldn't surprise me if the Russian men were behind promoting their "sisters" as brides.

Artist Laughter is almost always appropriate... at least up to the day of the wedding.

Robert the Skeptic said...

crnelius Happy you enjoyed that.

secret agent woman said...

All those poor Russian models, destined to die alone. Really, you should have handed over the money.

Rain said...

I am shocked, shocked, I tell you, that this was a scam. Who can you trust these days!!

Entre Nous said...

Oh this is just plain precious, Robert you are AN ABSOLUTE HOOT :}

Dawn @Lighten Up! said...

Dude. You had me at "dwindling amounts of both teeth and hair."
lol. Newest follower. ;)