TSA Porn

During WWII one of the many vexing problems facing the Allies was countering the devastating effects of German U-boat attacks on merchant and war ships. To effectively minimize the toll German U-boats were exacting on Allied shipping, they needed to be located and destroyed before they could execute their attacks. But the U-boats could be anywhere; crisscrossing the entire Atlantic in search of them was out of the question. Considering the vastness of the Atlantic Ocean, how could the Allies hope to find what were essentially needles in a haystack?

Out of this dilemma came the science of Operations Research; an interdisciplinary mathematical model which would predict the “most likely probability of near optimal solutions to decision-making problems”. Using science, Allied anti-sub warfare effectively reduced the U-boat threat without having to resort to systematically searching every square mile of the Atlantic Ocean.

Recently there has been a rising public uproar over the latest, and more invasive, passenger screening processes; the full body scanners and hand pat-downs of passengers who do not want to be subjected to the “revealing” scans. Pilots are complaining as well citing the logical conundrum that they are already in command of the aircraft; the need for a bomb or gun is completely irrelevant should a pilot decide to use an aircraft as a destructive instrument.

Those objecting to the new screening techniques are reminded that passengers enjoy no constitutional right to fly on commercial aircraft. But in this controversy one major question is being overlooked: are these increased security measures truly increasing air travel security? Most people might argue that checking every single passenger for risk is the most thorough screening possible; but is this the most effective procedure to ensure airline security, and at what cost? Long lines, aggravated passengers and wasted dollars are clearly the result of the current methodology.

One solution might be to apply the science of Operations Research to the problem – using probability analysis to target the most likely sources of security risks. Take for example my son who travels almost weekly for his job. He is screened on every trip, yet no history of his travel and an assessment of his risk to security, are recorded. There are no factors in his life, work, relationships or personal life that would indicate he presents a potential risk presents to other passengers. Yet a system is in place which provides potential creditors with a detailed assessment of his risk as a borrower; his credit record follows him everywhere. Were a similar “travel credit record” to be established for people such as Jesse, he and others could potentially bypass the work intensive security screening procedure. This is but one example of employing Operations Research to improve the quality of airport security and reduce the costs and aggravation of the screening process.

Sheldon Howard Jacobson, Ph.D. University of Illinois at Urbana-Champaign has proposed applying Operations Research to the problem of airport security. Dr. Jacobson has produced a 6-minute video, “Aviation Security: Assessing the Risk”, which clearly explains his proposal to improve airport security.

Until an integrated approach is brought to transportation security, passengers will be increasingly subjected to unnecessary and intrusive distress, increased costs associated with air travel and marginal effectiveness toward greater airline security.

However, a recent under-cover Japanese airport security video has surfaced – as you can clearly see, the Japanese are taking airport security screening most aggressively. Take a look:

A man called Wand-a

From reading one of my previous posts, you would know that I have a difficult time going through airport security. So I make a game out of trying not to “beep” the metal detector. I usually win; but not last time on our recent return from Hawaii.

As we went through security at Kailua-Kona airport, I did my usual emptying of my pockets into my upturned fedora. However, I left two film cans in my pocket this time – it is high speed film taken with our under-water camera while we snorkeled on the Big Island. I didn’t want the powerful X-ray to cloud my tropical fish pictures.

BEEP! “Would you step back through the metal detector, please, sir” the TSA agent says. Realizing it had to be the film cans setting off the detector, I removed them from my pocket and attempted to hand them to the TSA agent. Nope - I had to walk through the metal detector again, film cans in hand. BEEP!

“Step over here, sir” the TSA agent monotones. “The reason why we have to check you is because you set off the detector twice”. (Duh! I set if off twice because the film cans are still in my hand.) They have me gather all my things together from the X-ray belt and move to a section behind a glass partition. All the while I’m still holding the two film cans in my hand.

“We can take you someplace more private to do this if you would like, sir”. TSA agent now says. Like why!?! Are they going to strip search me? The TSA agent puts on a pair of purple latex gloves. I swallow hard.

They have me put the film cans on the table and I sit in a chair and kick off my low-security Crocks. He picks up a metal detector wand and begins wanding my feet – nothing! He then he has me stand on a mat, my legs apart and arms outstretched. I look like the drawing Leonardo da Vinci made of the guy in the circle. The TSA agent begins wanding the outline of my body – nothing. He seems disappointed. He wands his wrist watch to verify the detector is still working – Beep! Yup, it works.

He then begins wanding up between my legs. I stare at the horizon – silence. The wand lingers a little bit longer in the vicinity of my groin than I am comfortable with. I'm wondering now just how badly this guy wants to find metal in my pants? Again, he tests the wand on his wrist watch. Beep! Yes, it's still apparently working.

“I’m going to pat you down, now, sir.” TSA agent now says. I now become curious just how much “patting” I am going to get? I’m just wearing shorts and a t-shirt. I stare again at the horizon… but this is getting creepy.

As I am standing there with my arms outstretched being patted down, I turn to the other assisting TSA agent and suggest: “Just out of curiosity, can you wand the film cans there?” He waves the wand over a film can – Beep! They now decide to turn their attention to the film, testing it for traces of explosives residue. Nada! The disappointment is palpable.

Unless they want me to strip naked, they are out of options at this point. My wife hands me my jacket and we head to our gate.

It must be an incredibly boring job being a TSA agent. Like being a fireman where there’s never a fire; like being the sheriff of Mayberry. He probably went home all excited and told his wife about me today: “Honey, guess what happened at work today!!”

The TSA has made me hate flying.

The perils of being an Infrequent Flyer.

I am not a frequent flier by any stretch of the imagination; a couple of times a year we maybe get to Hawaii, Mexico, or Southern California, sometimes East coast. So we know the drill; we get to the airport in sufficient time to have our baggage x-rayed and snake through security.

I used to be a horrible traveler (as my poor wife can attest); fully annoyed with all the “inefficiencies” of airline travel. I would gripe and groan. Then 9/11 happened and they torqued the process down so bad! Well, I gave up. Now I’m a sheep. I stand in line, take off my shoes, and go with the proverbial flow. I even play a game with the metal detector; I try to go through without “beeping”, tossing my keys, change, watch into my coat pocket and rolling my belt into my shoe. I even wear Dockers instead my 501 Levi’s (button fly) when I travel. Just to play the metal detector game. I usually win.

But the one thing I can’t seem to avoid is the “Profilers”. These are the guys who used to be $10.00/hr Managers at Taco Bell but now have graduated to $10.75/hr security screeners with the TSA. After attending the half-day seminar and receiving a crisp diploma from the laser printer, these highly trained experts are placed strategically in airport concourses to divine terrorists out of the passengers before they get on the plane.

I would really like to get my hands on a copy of the secret Homeland Security “profile” documents - I have little doubt that somewhere in there is a composite picture of me under which it reads: “Watch for a guy who looks like THIS!” I swear to God, it seems like I get pulled out of line EVERY GODDAM TIME for the “extra” screening. I end up being the last guy on the plane, walking down the aisle with my shoes in my hands, passengers looking at me like I am some kind of, what… terrorist.

You see, I have a beard. Well that alone is going to set off alarms in any security arena! Not since Abe Lincoln has any self-respecting government law-and-order type EVER sported a beard. A beard screams sedition, radical, non-conformist… potential “trouble-maker”. The jeans and a t-shirt just make it worse.

A decade before 9/11, when US airport security was more of a joke than it is today, I was the subject of a serious security check at London’s Stanstead airport. Changing planes on our way to Paris, our stay in England wasn’t expected to be more than 45 minutes. But, before boarding the plane for Paris, I was pulled out of line.

Two big Brit security guys had me lean against the wall by my hands, spread-eagle; one watched as the other patted me down… thoroughly. I was aghast; I had never experienced such strict security measures before, certainly never in an American airport. When I got on the plane I realized why this happened. This part of the Stanstead terminal was the Ryan Air concourse; flights between England and Ireland. I guessed that my Irish surname likely profiled me as a wealthy Irish-American funneling support to the IRA… who knows?

I have kind of gotten used to it now. It is all part of the incredible price we pay to get someplace in hours that used to take our parents days. But every time they (supposedly) “randomly” pull me out of line to empty my pockets it makes me a bit sad; and disappointed in our country - because the security people who are supposed to protect us are dumber than the people who would really do us harm. They won’t look twice at the clean-shaven business man type in the suit and tie - they'll let Mr. clean-cut stroll onto that plane and we will have another sad, sad day in history.