The Future is Here Now ... (in just a bit)

Our kids told us that they watch streaming video on their televisions. I have a NetFlix account so we can rent DVDs through the mail. But I then discovered in my NetFlix queue on the web site that some films have a “Play Now” feature associated with them.

However playing movies on my PC hasn’t really appealed to me all that much. For one thing, the monitor is small in comparison to the screen size of a television. But also, I believe my poor ass would go numb if I sat in a steno chair for two hours watching a movie.

But I decided to give this video streaming thing a try, so I commenced figuring out how to connect Nancy’s laptop computer to the TV. Allow me to explain just how EASY this is to do.

[Disclaimer – Warning: The following is not for the technically-challenged or persons with impetuous tendencies or who suffer unrelenting levels of impatience which could possibly be classified as borderline pathological.]

First connect the S-Video cable from the S-Video port on the computer to the S-Video port on the TV. Hint: The brilliant computer engineers have designed the S-Video port to look exactly like a mouse port, so you only have a 50/50 chance plugging it into the right place.

Using a 1/8” Stereo-to-RCA adapter cable, connect the earphone/speaker output on the computer to the two RCA jacks on the TV. Hint: You are in luck here as there will be three, not two, RCA jacks on the TV, so you have better odds of beating those tricky computer engineers and getting the right connection this time than you did with the S-Video.

Boot your computer and turn on the TV. Using your TV's remote, find the “input channel” for the auxiliary input on the TV. Hint: It would be "Channel 1" if channel 1 existed... which it doesn't so THAT is your auxiliary input.

When your computer asks if you want to update the latest Microsoft patches, click “No”. Hint: If you click “yes”, go you might as well go get a beer and do something else cause you just committed yourself to an hour of rebooting your after every patch. Don't do that again!!

When your computer asks if you want to check for virus, better click “Yes” this time. Go have another, it's gonna be a while… again.

Now located the video you wish to display on your TV, like from your "play now" queue in NetFlix (or any video you can find, YouTube is cool).

Now the PC will ask if you want to update your Flash or Windows video program. Click answer: “NO, NO, GODDAM NO”. This is because some anal retentive software engineer has just developed yet another a new “improved” video codec so now nothing you want to watch that was created from the dawn of computing up until last week will EVER display on the updated video software. Trust me, they’re idiots.

Using your mouse and/or keyboard, redirect your monitor output to the S-Video port connected to the TV. Hint: How do you do this? I have no f*#king clue, but you can mess with your video settings clicking randomly until it either shows on the TV or all you see is blue on your PC’s monitor. If you screw this up, that’s YOUR problem!

Now figure out why the sound is NOT working. Try the following:
1. Set the volume slider on the video all the way up.
2. Set the volume setting for the PC all the way up.
3. Go into the volume setting Control Panel, determine if the output to the earphone/speaker port is muted.
4. Turn the volume knob up on the side of the PC.
5. Now turn the volume all the way up on the television.
6. Check that you haven’t plugged the 1/8” Stereo jack into the “microphone” jack instead. Hint: Oh yeah, I forgot to tell you... those two plugs look identical as well. (I'm telling ya... I didn’t design this crap.)
7. If the sound isn’t blasting now so loudly that your windows are breaking, give up - you are beyond hopeless at this point.

Assuming you now have your computer display showing on your TV; sit down and enjoy your video on the big screen. If the video stops, starts, hesitates and stutters, you either need to pay to upgrade your Internet connection to Terra-Mega-Gigabit Internet service or buy a more powerful PC; meaning one that was manufactured at least within the last two months.

Your TV remote with all the buttons on it; now all it is good for is changing the volume on the TV.

If advertisements pop up on the TV screen for cheap Viagra or offering to upgrade your Solitaire, you’re going to need to get your ass off the chair, go to the PC and kill those pop-ups.

Oh and finally, if you’ve actually made it this far and the video on your TV suddenly goes completely black: You probably forgot to plug the PC power cord into the wall – you just wasted all of your battery charge setting up the goddam thing up.

Next week: Programming your garage door opener to operate your toaster.

True Lies - The Answers

Ok everyone, put down your pencils and pass your answer sheets to the front.

1. My first job out of college was as a “Repo Man” - I repossessed cars from people who were behind on their payments.
TRUE – I worked for a major Northwest bank in various management positions for twelve years, however, my entry-level position during my first two years, was that of Outside Collector which required me to bring delinquent auto loans current or repossess the collateral. As far as I know, I still hold the record for stealing the most cars (5) in a single night. To this day it remains the most fun I ever had at a job.


3. I asked my current wife to marry me after we had known each other only ten days. TRUE – My wife had been divorced for ten years and I for two years when we met. I proposed to her while she was driving her Volkswagen Bug with her two kids sleeping in the back seat. The second the words literally fell out of my mouth I thought “You Dumb Ass… You can kiss this one good-bye!!!”. But instead, it took her less than three seconds to accept.

This September, we will celebrate our 25th wedding anniversary.

4. I am so frightened of the dentist that I skipped out in the middle of taking a dental school entrance exam. TRUE – An over-bearing mother charted what she had determined was the acceptable career path for her son; which was either as doctor or a dentist. I was just a year out (sort-a) on my own in junior college experiencing my first taste of freedom.

In the midst of taking that exam, I realized two things: 1. My mother had planned out my entire life including who she was expecting me to marry, and 2. I would NEVER be capable of doing something to another person that I was terrified of being done to me. It was INSANE to think that I could be a dentist. During the lunch recess in the middle of the exam, I got into my car and drove away.

5. I am terrified of heights.
TRUE – I am very uncomfortable being up in tall buildings and am even nervous driving over high bridges. I worked in the 10th story of a downtown Portland building and was perfectly happy to have my desk situated in the middle of the room away from the windows.

However, my fear of heights did not stop me from taking up skydiving in my mid 40’s. I had my own parachute and jumped every weekend for over two years before deciding that I had proven to myself that I would not allow FEAR to prevent my pursuing opportunity.

(And just in case you were wondering… I do visit my dentist regularly every six months.)

6. I have never smoked “Marijuana”. TRUE – As an infant my family lived a couple of blocks from San Francisco’s Height-Ashbury district; I attended high school and college during the Golden Age of the Hippie Movement and I had lots of buddies who did drugs. Though, as unusual as it may be for someone growing up during Sex-Drugs-and-Rock & Roll generation, I still never could rationalize to myself the idea of putting anything into my body that was marketed by outlaws. Still don’t.

7. I once threw a dart, missing the bulls-eye, which instead stuck into my cousin’s skull. TRUE – Under the category of stupid kid tricks, my two cousins and I were playing “William Tell” and we stood my younger cousin up against the wall directly under the dart board. The first dart I threw fell short, sticking firmly into the top of the younger cousin’s head. He pulled it out and threw it back at us. However, we bribed him with candy to not tell our parents. The bribe took and we got the point.

2. I contracted Polio in the 1950’s and spent some time in the dreaded Iron Lung
LIE – One of my greatest fears growing up as a little kid was seeing pictures of people confined to an Iron Lung. I worried about it obsessively, wondering how they went to the bathroom or scratched their nose if it itched. Though I never knew of anyone personally who had been confined to an Iron Lung, I was still terrified that somehow I would end up in one.

But I lived during a very fortunate era; As a result of a national effort to completely eradicate Polio in our lifetime, our whole town turned out to be administered the Salk vaccine, (some pink stuff squirted onto a sugar cube – imagine that, no needles!).

Nobody correctly determined which statement was the lie, so I am instead awarding consolation prizes -
My strategy in conjuring up these contest questions was that I figured six of the questions could appear to contain some atypical or unusual criteria making them remarkable to some degree – whereas contracting polio in the 1950’s (my assumption) would have been entirely possible, therefore "unremarkable", thereby judged a lie.

However, the Distinguished Panel of Contest Judges (my Wife) has determined that my rationale was significantly flawed in that, unless one knew me or I had previously blogged about the subject, the only real way anyone would correctly select the false statement would be by random guess. To emphasize her point, she challenged me to identify anyone I had actually known who had ever had polio as a child, least of all confined to an iron lung. I couldn't.

Therefore, She (I mean, the judges) has decided that my contest was bogus and has ruled that I should at least award prizes to some of you who participated in the exercise.

So, I will send DVD's to the first 10 contestants who e-mail me with their preferred postal mailing address to sales@skepticalmedia.com by the end of the weekend. I will put them in the mail next week. I ship First Class mail and International First Class.

Thanks to everyone who participated, you were all great sports. Have a great weekend ~ I'm planning more mayhem for next week.

True Lies

I thought I would initiate the month of June on a bit of an upbeat note. I lifted this idea from fellow blogger Mary Whitsell from her excellent blog, Resident Alien where she had readers guess which one of her statements was a lie.

Below are six true statements and one false statement about me. The first 10 readers who correctly deduce the one lie below, will receive a free DVD of my documentary: Andrus, the Man, the Mind & the Magic. (And yes, I do ship international).

Incidentally, Jerry Andrus prided himself on never telling lies (though he recounts in the film about the one he admits he told during his life).

The contest will end June 4^th at midnight when the answers and the winning commenter(s) will be revealed.

(Contest rules: One guess per commenter though you can delete
and change your guess at any time before the contest ends.
Void in locations where your name is Kara)

Ready… set… go!

1. My first job out of college was as a “Repo Man” - I repossessed cars from people who were behind on their payments.

2. I contracted Polio in the 1950’s and spent some time in the dreaded Iron Lung.

3. I asked my current wife to marry me after we had known each other only ten days.

4. I am so frightened of the dentist that I skipped out in the middle of taking a dental school entrance exam.

5. I am terrified of heights.

6. I have never smoked “Marijuana”.

7. I once threw a dart, missing the bulls-eye, which instead stuck into my cousin’s skull.

Good luck!!