More Adventures in Tech Support

Prior to retiring, I was a Supervising Computer Network Technician for the State of Oregon. One particular day we had just received a shipment of four HP laptop computers, one of which was defective having arrived completely dead.

In order to replace the defective computer I needed to contact HP technical support to obtain an RMA (Return merchandise authorization). This was supposed to be accomplished through their tech support “chat” page. As a “computer professional” I had access to tech support with other vendors, such as Dell and Microsoft, where I could bypass the usual “consumer” customer tech support operators and speak directly with a fellow technician; much like two physicians might consult with each other regarding an ill patient.

However we didn't have this tech-to-tech system in place with HP, so I had to contact them through their regular customer support process; specifically, a chat window. This is roughly how I recall the conversation went:

HP: Welcome to HP technical support. My name is {lots of consonants}, how may I help you?

Me: Hi, I am a network technician for the State of Oregon, we received four notebook PCs one of which is dead on arrival, no power whatsoever even when connected to line current using the power cord. I need to obtain an RMA to replace it. It is a model {model} serial number {serial number}.

HP: Where did you purchase the computer?

Me: I don’t know where it was purchased; the State of Oregon purchased a few hundred of these through Equipment Procurement; four were distributed to my office.

HP: You don’t know where you bought the computer?

Me: I didn’t buy the computer; the State of Oregon bought them.

HP: Do you have the receipt from where you purchased the computer?

Me: Equipment Procurement would have the PURCHASE ORDER used to purchase the computer, I don’t have it. I just have a dead computer that you need to repair or replace under warranty.

HP: Have you tried charging the battery?

Me: I am a professionally trained computer service technician; the battery won’t charge because the computer won’t run from line current.

HP: Have you tried plugging it in to the wall using the power cord?

Me: {by now I have typed the following phrase into Notepad and am copying and PASTING it into the chat window with every response} I am a professional trained computer service technician, I have put this computer through the trouble-shooting procedure; there is no power to the computer.

HP: What does it say on the screen when you start the computer?

Me: Nothing, it doesn’t start. It’s dead (now I am picturing the Monty Python “Parrot sketch). It doesn’t boot, it doesn’t beep, it is cold stone DEAD! {paste my computer professional statement into the chat window}

At this point, at everything he suggests, I am pasting this same response into the chat window over and over. After about three of these, he begins to suspect that I am going to give the same answer to every question.

HP: Ok we can have you send the computer to us for servicing. Do you have a credit card?

Me: Why would I need a credit card? Just give me an RMA and I will send the computer back to you and you send me a new one.

HP: We have to get a credit card number so we can charge you if the computer is not returned to us.

Me: I’m not floating a loan to the entire State of Oregon using my personal credit card!!

HP: We are required to get a credit card number, sir, or we can’t do the exchange.

Me: How about this; I contact Equipment Procurement and have them CANCEL the order for THOUSANDS OF DOLLARS order for HP computers and recommend we give that business to DELL instead? {...not that I had any authority do that, of course}

HP: {long pause; no typing…} You will receive a shipment from us in a few days, use the box provided to you to return the computer. Your RMA number is…

Several days later I received an EMPTY box with which to return the dead computer. About a month later the SAME computer is returned to me. It worked.